Interview With Oscar Liss

There is no justice for a dog.

I’m honored to have a chance to speak with Lisbon legend Oscar Liss. Oscar has brought joy to so many children and adults alike. He even helped one person find spiritual salvation, something about which we ask him below. So please enjoy this far-ranging conversation about the meaning life and the nature of consciousness itself.

Q: Oscar, thanks so much for making the time. For the few people that don’t know you, do you mind stating your full name and date of birth?

A: My name is Oscar Liss, though officially it’s Oscar Quinta da Bicherada, the prison complex where I was born. I am a long-haired mini dachshund. I have many aliases, including Osk, Oskie, The Skeeze, Skeezeley, Skeezeley-ski, The Guy, The Guy Behind The Guy, “The Opportunist” (which I don’t like), the…

Q That’s more than sufficient, Oscar, thank you. And date of birth?

A: July 7, 2020.

Q Talk a little bit about your childhood and how you came to live in Lisbon.

A: I was in the prison complex, mostly caged for the first few months. Then I was sold to dog traffickers in Lisbon.

Q: That must have been traumatic.

A: Not really. I quickly developed Stockholm Syndrome. Whenever I see my traffickers now, I feel nothing but overwhelming joy.

Q: Wow. A lot of us can learn from that attitude. Let’s fast forward a bit to your present-day life. In what does it consist?

A: Sleep on the sofa, go for walks, fetch vegetable sticks. Sometimes go for hikes or get sent to dog camp (which is okay, but I’m always the smallest.)

Q: I meant to ask you about your size. I hope it’s not a sensitive subject.

A: I’m six inches tall, more than a foot long, weigh almost 10 pounds.

Q: Are you self-conscious about being a small dog?

A: No, but the traffickers are self-conscious on my behalf. They’re always like, “Who’s the apex predator? Who’s an apex!" Or “you’re such a big strong dog.” It’s absurd. I am fine with who I am.

Q: What’s the source of your self-confidence, I’m sure many of our readers could take a lesson from you.

A: I’m not ambitious. I’m perfectly happy to be a dog.

Q: That’s so profound. Does it not concern you some have described you as “all bark, no bite?”

A: I had a friend once who bit a few people, and they executed him. People mock, but they have no idea the stakes.

Q: Human privilege?

A: Yes. Dogs don’t get due process. There is no justice for a dog.

Q: Do you think there’s species discrimination?

A: Have you ever been rejected from a restaurant and made to wait in the car while everyone else gets in?

Q: How does that make you feel?

A: Bad. I’ve been to many dog-friendly restaurants, never had a problem, aside for that one time I urinated on the coffee shop floor.

Q: Humans often purport to know what a dog is going through, some even create social media accounts for them. What do you think of that?

A: A person of human ancestry can’t possibly know the *lived experience* of a dog.

Q: You mentioned vegetable sticks. Are you a vegetarian?

A: No. I have never understood the appeal of it. I just like to chew the sticks.

Q: What’s behind the alias “The Opportunist” which you said you don’t like.

A: Whenever one of the traffickers opens the refrigerator, I tend to show up in short order.

Q: I see how that could be insulting. How would you describe your current vocation?

A: I was named “Calorie Acquisition Specialist” recently, but I also work in security.

Q: Security?

A: I make sure to let everyone know when someone’s at the front door.

Q: What goes through your mind in those cases? Are you scared?

A: Not really. Imagine if you were fast asleep and the voice of God at volume 11 screamed into your mind: “WHO THE FUCK IS AT THE DOOR!!!!!!!!!”

Q: Speaking of God, can you tell us about the time you helped a woman on the street connect with Him?

A: We were walking back from Parque Eduardo VII (by the way, Portuguese is my native language), and a woman with two regular size dachshunds, saw me, started shrieking and proclaimed, “your dog is so beautiful he proves the existence of God!”

Q: Wow. It really hit home for her. Let’s talk about your work. How do you stay in character so consistently? How do you maintain your role as a dog?

A: I was incarnated in a dog body and therefore have dog consciousness. Everything I do is a reflection of that basic fact.

Q: Some serious method acting!

A: You could call it that. I am fully immersed in the role.

Q: A lot of humans speak about past lives, can even recall them under hypnosis. Do you think you will be ever reincarnated as a dog, stuck in an infinite dog-loop, so to speak, or will you one day jump into a human body?

A: I don’t know. I focus on the present.

Q: Oscar, it’s been such a pleasure to talk with you. I really appreciate your making the time.

(buzzer sounds)

A: WHO THE FUCK IS AT THE DOOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!