Escape

I’m not doing any writing today. Taking the day, maybe the week, off. Just not in the mood.

This whole idea you’re supposed to write, get the thoughts out, the ideas moving is stupid. To what end? I’m done with evaluating myself for productivity, justifying myself to myself — or anyone else.

What I really need is to find some pleasant distractions. Something to fill my time, or as Elon Musk says of Twitter “to avoid regretted user seconds.” I’ve tried Twitter itself, of course, but Musk’s algorithm falls woefully short. After an hour of doom and dopamine scrolling, punctuated with the occasional shitpost, many seconds are regretted — roughly 3500 of them.

I could turn to alcohol or drugs, but too many side effects. Yes, you’re distracted, but what about after that? You’re always left worse off than where you started. Even alcoholics and drug addicts — the pros! — know it’s a dead end.

I don’t know, maybe spend more time with loved ones? You hear that a lot. “If I didn’t have to work so much, I’d spend more time with loved ones.” LOL. Like what, you’re going to hang around while your “loved ones” are doing things with their actual lives. Maybe I’ll take the bus to school with Sasha, hang out with her and her friends, see how that goes. Quality time!

Exercise. It’s the perfect solution, good for your health, you feel better, your mind is calm. Only problem is it’s fucking miserable. If your aim is to avoid sitting at a desk to write, forcing your carcass around a track is hardly an upgrade. It’s like quitting your middle management job to break rocks in a prison chain gang.

There must be something I can do. Eating sugary processed food is out of the question for the same reason alcohol and drugs are. Becoming obese and diabetic is no solution, as many of the pros (obese diabetics) would no doubt attest.

Meditation. That’s it! You sit on a cushion, count your breaths. Pretty soon you are calm. You can meditate for as long as you want! It’s perfect, and it’s easy. Well, it’s not that easy. You get distracted by your thoughts and you’re just sitting there thinking about the things for which you hope and dread in your life.

Of course, you notice that distraction and come back to the breath, but pretty soon you’re wandering again. And you come back again. But really you’re wondering how long you’ve been sitting, your feet are falling asleep, your back is tight and you don’t feel much different. You weren’t even properly distracted because instead of being distracted *from* your mind, you are being distracted *by* it. It’s a worst-case scenario of sorts — you neither get anything done, nor escape the endless self-evaluation and justification.

That just means you’re doing it wrong, though. You’re failing at it. If you did it right, it would be the perfect escape from yourself. But it’s not working, so you’re failing. Or maybe you succeeded a little bit. You’re not sure. You are still evaluating whether that was a good use of your time. The same evaluation process you use to decide whether you’ve done enough writing, the same tired bullshit from which you were trying to escape in the first place!

Let’s face it, you’re not just going to meditate your way out of the problem. If you could, you would have already, and so would everyone else. We would all be enlightened. Maybe you need to go to an ashram or something, find a guru on top of a mountain in the Himalayas. LOL, you’re not gonna do that! You are way too attached to your comforts and daily routines, no matter how dull and unsatisfying they ultimately are.

There’s nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, no one to see, nothing to do. You are out of options. There is only one thing in your absolute control, and it’s where you direct your attention. And you have decided that no matter how bleak and pointless the alternatives the one thing about which you are resolute is you are taking the day off from writing.