This whole idea you’re supposed to write, get the thoughts out, the ideas moving is stupid. To what end? I’m done with evaluating myself for productivity, justifying myself to myself — or anyone else.

What I really need is to find some pleasant distractions. Something to fill my time, or as Elon Musk says of Twitter “to avoid regretted user seconds.” I’ve tried Twitter itself, of course, but Musk’s algorithm falls woefully short. After an hour of doom and dopamine scrolling, punctuated with the occasional shitpost, many seconds are regretted — roughly 3500 of them.

I could turn to alcohol or drugs, but too many side effects. Yes, you’re distracted, but what about after that? You’re always left worse off than where you started. Even alcoholics and drug addicts — the pros! — know it’s a dead end.

I don’t know, maybe spend more time with loved ones? You hear that a lot. “If I didn’t have to work so much, I’d spend more time with loved ones.” LOL. Like what, you’re going to hang around while your “loved ones” are doing things with their actual lives. Maybe I’ll take the bus to school with Sasha, hang out with her and her friends, see how that goes. Quality time!

Exercise. It’s the perfect solution, good for your health, you feel better, your mind is calm. Only problem is it’s fucking miserable. If your aim is to avoid sitting at a desk to write, forcing your carcass around a track is hardly an upgrade. It’s like quitting your middle management job to break rocks in a prison chain gang.

There must be something I can do. Eating sugary processed food is out of the question for the same reason alcohol and drugs are. Becoming obese and diabetic is no solution, as many of the pros (obese diabetics) would no doubt attest.

Meditation. That’s it! You sit on a cushion, count your breaths. Pretty soon you are calm. You can meditate for as long as you want! It’s perfect, and it’s easy. Well, it’s not that easy. You get distracted by your thoughts and you’re just sitting there thinking about the things for which you hope and dread in your life.

Of course, you notice that distraction and come back to the breath, but pretty soon you’re wandering again. And you come back again. But really you’re wondering how long you’ve been sitting, your feet are falling asleep, your back is tight and you don’t feel much different. You weren’t even properly distracted because instead of being distracted *from* your mind, you are being distracted *by* it. It’s a worst-case scenario of sorts — you neither get anything done, nor escape the endless self-evaluation and justification.

That just means you’re doing it wrong, though. You’re failing at it. If you did it right, it would be the perfect escape from yourself. But it’s not working, so you’re failing. Or maybe you succeeded a little bit. You’re not sure. You are still evaluating whether that was a good use of your time. The same evaluation process you use to decide whether you’ve done enough writing, the same tired bullshit from which you were trying to escape in the first place!

Let’s face it, you’re not just going to meditate your way out of the problem. If you could, you would have already, and so would everyone else. We would all be enlightened. Maybe you need to go to an ashram or something, find a guru on top of a mountain in the Himalayas. LOL, you’re not gonna do that! You are way too attached to your comforts and daily routines, no matter how dull and unsatisfying they ultimately are.

There’s nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, no one to see, nothing to do. You are out of options. There is only one thing in your absolute control, and it’s where you direct your attention. And you have decided that no matter how bleak and pointless the alternatives the one thing about which you are resolute is you are taking the day off from writing.

Q: Oscar, thanks so much for making the time. For the few people that don’t know you, do you mind stating your full name and date of birth?

A: My name is Oscar Liss, though officially it’s Oscar Quinta da Bicherada, the prison complex where I was born. I am a long-haired mini dachshund. I have many aliases, including Osk, Oskie, The Skeeze, Skeezeley, Skeezeley-ski, The Guy, The Guy Behind The Guy, “The Opportunist” (which I don’t like), the…

Q That’s more than sufficient, Oscar, thank you. And date of birth?

A: July 7, 2020.

Q Talk a little bit about your childhood and how you came to live in Lisbon.

A: I was in the prison complex, mostly caged for the first few months. Then I was sold to dog traffickers in Lisbon.

Q: That must have been traumatic.

A: Not really. I quickly developed Stockholm Syndrome. Whenever I see my traffickers now, I feel nothing but overwhelming joy.

Q: Wow. A lot of us can learn from that attitude. Let’s fast forward a bit to your present-day life. In what does it consist?

A: Sleep on the sofa, go for walks, fetch vegetable sticks. Sometimes go for hikes or get sent to dog camp (which is okay, but I’m always the smallest.)

Q: I meant to ask you about your size. I hope it’s not a sensitive subject.

A: I’m six inches tall, more than a foot long, weigh almost 10 pounds.

Q: Are you self-conscious about being a small dog?

A: No, but the traffickers are self-conscious on my behalf. They’re always like, “Who’s the apex predator? Who’s an apex!" Or “you’re such a big strong dog.” It’s absurd. I am fine with who I am.

Q: What’s the source of your self-confidence, I’m sure many of our readers could take a lesson from you.

A: I’m not ambitious. I’m perfectly happy to be a dog.

Q: That’s so profound. Does it not concern you some have described you as “all bark, no bite?”

A: I had a friend once who bit a few people, and they executed him. People mock, but they have no idea the stakes.

Q: Human privilege?

A: Yes. Dogs don’t get due process. There is no justice for a dog.

Q: Do you think there’s species discrimination?

A: Have you ever been rejected from a restaurant and made to wait in the car while everyone else gets in?

Q: How does that make you feel?

A: Bad. I’ve been to many dog-friendly restaurants, never had a problem, aside for that one time I urinated on the coffee shop floor.

Q: Humans often purport to know what a dog is going through, some even create social media accounts for them. What do you think of that?

A: A person of human ancestry can’t possibly know the *lived experience* of a dog.

Q: You mentioned vegetable sticks. Are you a vegetarian?

A: No. I have never understood the appeal of it. I just like to chew the sticks.

Q: What’s behind the alias “The Opportunist” which you said you don’t like.

A: Whenever one of the traffickers opens the refrigerator, I tend to show up in short order.

Q: I see how that could be insulting. How would you describe your current vocation?

A: I was named “Calorie Acquisition Specialist” recently, but I also work in security.

Q: Security?

A: I make sure to let everyone know when someone’s at the front door.

Q: What goes through your mind in those cases? Are you scared?

A: Not really. Imagine if you were fast asleep and the voice of God at volume 11 screamed into your mind: “WHO THE FUCK IS AT THE DOOR!!!!!!!!!”

Q: Speaking of God, can you tell us about the time you helped a woman on the street connect with Him?

A: We were walking back from Parque Eduardo VII (by the way, Portuguese is my native language), and a woman with two regular size dachshunds, saw me, started shrieking and proclaimed, “your dog is so beautiful he proves the existence of God!”

Q: Wow. It really hit home for her. Let’s talk about your work. How do you stay in character so consistently? How do you maintain your role as a dog?

A: I was incarnated in a dog body and therefore have dog consciousness. Everything I do is a reflection of that basic fact.

Q: Some serious method acting!

A: You could call it that. I am fully immersed in the role.

Q: A lot of humans speak about past lives, can even recall them under hypnosis. Do you think you will be ever reincarnated as a dog, stuck in an infinite dog-loop, so to speak, or will you one day jump into a human body?

A: I don’t know. I focus on the present.

Q: Oscar, it’s been such a pleasure to talk with you. I really appreciate your making the time.

(buzzer sounds)

A: WHO THE FUCK IS AT THE DOOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here’s how I imagine it:

I try to be a good person. Not perfect, obviously, but I get along with others and respect everyone’s differences. And I don’t mean flat-earth types, but real people who get what’s going on and are doing their part. Kind people who would lend a hand to a friend and reciprocate when a hand is offered.

I don’t understand what’s happened to so many people. I just don’t see the appeal of racism or transphobia. Sure, maybe you feel better about yourself for five minutes if you tear someone down, but it’s cruel and selfish. That’s the part that gets me. How hard is it to be kind or at least not a jerk? People are just trying to get by as best they can, so why would you make it worse for them?

I’m the first to admit our institutions aren’t perfect. Economics is hard. Science takes time to get right. Well-meaning public officials did the best they could in a once in a century pandemic. People were dying for God sake, and I’m not gonna play Monday morning quarterback.

Do masks work? I think the more important question is “Are you willing to do your part?” There’s obviously some chance they help, and knowing that, why wouldn’t you just wear one? It’s not a huge ask, and if it makes people feel comfortable you do it. Call it empathy or common courtesy. Of course, politics and ideology get in the way of that, and you have people who won’t lift a finger during a freaking pandemic just to claim, “muh freedom.” That’s not something I have much patience for.

Please don’t make me talk about the vaccine. We know for a fact it’s saved millions of lives, and anyone who doesn’t take it at this point is just an asshole. Do you want ICUs to be overrun? Do you want to put hospitals and nurses at higher risk? Oh right, you’re the same person who won’t wear a mask because it impinges upon your precious freedom! LOL, some people are just not reachable.

It’s so dumb at this point, I really am sick of talking about it. Yes, the vaccinated can catch the virus, but do you have any idea how much worse it would be without it? Sorry, I can’t argue 2+2 = 4 anymore. If you don’t want to do your basic civic duty, I’m sorry, but there should be *some* consequences.

Anyway, I don’t mean to sound salty. I’m actually lucky to be surrounded by so many decent friends and colleagues who respect science and who aren’t falling for every insane conspiracy theory. “ThE ViRus LeAKed FrOm A CHiNeSE LAb!” “ThE VAXxINE Is KiLliNG PeOple!” Give me a break. Not everyone is out to get you.

How do we move forward? I honestly don’t know. I tell people, just try to be kind and tolerant. If someone starts in with antivax (or worse, 2020 election!) insanity, just walk away. If 1/6 taught us anything it’s that true believers will go to any lengths — overthrow the US government!!!! — to justify their delusions.

Hopefully, the problem will solve itself Darwin-style. I just hope they don’t take us all down with them. That’s the thing that keeps me up at night. Public health and even democracy itself are at stake. At some point, everyone makes a choice — are you a good person, do you care about others? Or are you selfish and petty?

It’s infuriating if you let yourself think about it. Honestly I’m done on this topic. I’d rather just enjoy a baseball game, a beer and a slice of pizza. Pineapple on my pizza? LOL, no thanks! That’s the worst!

1. Stop Calling Them “Vaccine Hesitant”

   If you were trying to persuade a vegan to up his B-12 intake by eating meat, you wouldn’t get far by labeling him “steak hesitant.” “Oh, I see, you’re just ‘steak hesitant’ must be that hippie propaganda you’re reading. Steak hesitant people like you…” Insulting people’s choices won’t get you anywhere. Try, “I see you don’t like being coerced to take medicine via threats to your basic rights and ability to earn a livelihood, that’s understandable. Let me persuade you why getting an mRNA jab is a good medical choice.” And then you’ll have to make your case, which, at the moment is not especially strong (particularly with respect to healthy, younger people, many of whom have already had covid), but that brings us to…

2. Lobby For More Aggressive Gain Of Function Research

   Frankly, the Wuhan Lab didn’t do its best work. Covid is deadly for people with pre-existing conditions, metabolic disorders and the elderly, but it’s insufficiently so to kill many healthy people under 70. The overall IFR is about 0.2 percent, with the vast majority of that group either old or sick. To incentivize independent-minded younger people the next lab leak needs to be a far more lethal strain. If we can get one as contagious as covid, but with an equal opportunity IFR above 15 percent, now we’re cooking with gas. When your 30-year old cousin, both your parents, several of your work colleagues, Kyrie Irving, Aaron Rodgers, Novak Djokovic, 25 members of Congress and a few cabinet members are dead, that will get their attention.

3. Commission Vaccines From New Companies

   While many who decline the mRNA shot are no doubt victims of disinformation — believing theories that government and large pharmaceutical companies are conspiring to enrich themselves first and foremost without proper regard for safety — it would be harder for them to connect those dots if you used more scrupulous providers. For example, it’s less than ideal that Johnson and Johnson just paid a settlement of five billion dollars for their part in the opioid crisis and Pfizer settled for 2.3 billion for marketing a drug as a pain killer that even the rubber-stamping FDA refused to approve for that purpose, while allegedly paying kickbacks to doctors to prescribe it. It was apparently the fourth settlement for Pfizer since 2002, and that excludes the experimental drug anti-meningitis drug, Trovan that killed 11 children and disabled dozens more in 1996. It’s insane to think that means anything about these miracle products in 2022, the motive for which was so obviously public health and ending the pandemic, but you have to admit it’s not a great look.

4. Keep Vaccine Companies On The Hook For Adverse Events

   There was never a need to waive liability for vaccine makers for adverse effects because everyone knows the mRNA shot is safe and effective. Yes, you hear anecdotal accounts of heart problems and strokes, but both have always been common in young people. Growing up, a few of my friends undoubtedly had heart attacks and strokes in grade school, though they were probably just under-diagnosed back then. I understand why the companies want to waive liability — it’s wrong to require legal accountability when these heroes are busy saving so many lives, but there’s no need for it when you have such a safe product. It just feeds unfounded suspicion.

5. Create A Vaccine That Stops The Spread

   Obviously, we know vaccines don’t have to stop the spread entirely to be effective. Look up the definition of vaccine — nowhere does it list that as a requirement. But if it actually stopped transmission in some material way, you’d be in a better position to argue for its uptake, citing the benefit it might have for the people around them. Now, people are just trying the “you’re taking up an ICU bed” angle, which doesn’t make much sense to young, healthy people, barring a far deadlier strain.

6. Permit Useless Early Treatments

   One big mistake that was made was banning and discouraging phony, yet harmless treatments like Ivermectin, Hydroxychloroquine and even Vitamin D. All that did was make people think they worked, and feed false conspiracy theories that they were funneling people toward the vaccine. Useless treatments should be encouraged so anyone who knows people who tried them can see how little good they did.

7. Don’t Bribe People

   I love donuts as much as the next person with metabolic syndrome, but giving people food, money and even weed just makes you look desperate. If you want to make something seem enticing, you’ve got to market it as something I’m lucky to get, not something you’re begging me to take.

8. Choose Better Spokespeople

   I know Bill Gates is one of the biggest investors in the space, but is it really necessary to have someone, who was paling around with convicted underage sex offender Jeffery Epstein, as your go-to vaccine promoter?

9. Amend The US Constitution And Nuremberg Code

   It’s annoying we have these anachronistic documents that didn’t contemplate the spread of a deadly pandemic, but unfortunately, The Fourth Amendment requiring people to be secure in their “persons,” and the Nuremberg Code which requires consent for medical procedures are still The Supreme Law Of The Land, and International Law, respectively. A little carve-out saying, “unless there’s a deadly pandemic” would go a long way toward granting the requisite legal authority.

10. Stiffer Consequences For Those Who Refuse

    Let’s be honest. There’s nothing more important than public health, and getting everyone vaccinated is the optimal way to achieve that aim. It’s unfortunate it would have to come to this, but we can’t let the selfish actions of a few imperil the good of the many who do as instructed. Actions have consequences! If the first nine steps are ineffective, you could imprison, torture or simply exterminate those who decline this medical option, something for which there is historical precedent in the last century. 

I can assure you these 10 steps will result in 100 percent uptake. Hopefully it doesn’t come to step 10, but you have to ask yourself, do you care about preserving the rights of the privileged few, or are you willing to do what it takes for public health and the greater good of society?

I hope the answer is as clear for you as it is for me.

Q: How long have you been an anti-vaxxer?

A: At the risk of disappointing my following which is mostly Qanon, I consider myself pro-vaccine. It’s the same stance I have toward marijuana, for example — I think it should be legal and available to those of suitable age. And while I would prefer everyone smoke it all the time, I don’t think you should have to be high to get into a restaurant.

Q: It seems you’re dodging the question. Why do you use your meager — actually embarrassingly small — following to convince people not to take vaccines?

A: I have never once advocated for people not to take vaccines, though if a person were incapable of basic logic and reading comprehension, I could see how he might see it that way.

Q: It’s clear you are against the vaccine. How many posts have you written saying the vaccines should not be mandatory?

A: Quite a few. But arguing medical treatments should be voluntary is in keeping with the Nuremberg Code and quite different from opposing those treatments.

Q But you do oppose those treatments?

A: Unless the word “oppose” means should be available to anyone of consenting age who wants them, then no.

Q But be honest for a minute. You’re not taking it, and, contrary to reams of documented studies by scientists, you don’t think the benefits outweigh the risks, correct?

A: I never said I didn’t take it, but what does it matter either way? As so many delight in explaining to me on Twitter, I am neither a virologist nor an epidemiologist. My only degrees are in philosophy, law and concussion theory.

Q: But you’re obviously not taking it, can we just get that on the record?

A: You can believe what you like.

Q: I’ll take that as a no. How do you feel about the fact that your advocacy against mandatory vaccines undermines vital public health policy?

A: I don’t agree it’s a fact.

Q: But you are telling people it’s okay not to take the vaccine, correct?

A: No, I’m suggesting adults might want to stop looking to others to tell them what’s okay.

Q: So you think the average person, in this disinformation environment, should distrust the advice of doctors and scientists?

A: You can trust who you like, but I try to understand their limitations, where they’re coming from, the system of which they’re a part. Evaluate their recommendations, many of which might be helpful, through that lens.

I think our obsession with “follow the experts,” and “you’re not a virologist” fundamentally misunderstands the roles of specialists in society. Their job is to provide people with information, data, hypotheses and evidence. It is not to run ordinary people’s lives for them. A good example is a court of law where experts testify, lawyers cross-examine them and the jury, composed of average people, renders the verdict. The expert is just there to clarify technical things for the layman, not to make decisions for him.

Q: I don’t think we’re making much progress here. Is there some reason “muh freedom” literally trumps hundreds of thousands of lives?

A: It’s hard to answer when you don’t agree with the premise of the question, like asking a non-Christian why they’d rather go to hell than accept Jesus.

Q: What don’t you agree with?

A: That civil liberties and human rights are “muh freedom” or that mandates and coercion are beneficial.

Q: The data is pretty clear that lockdowns and mask mandates prevented the spread.

A: I don’t think it’s clear lockdowns and mandates even helped against COVID (compare Portugal to Sweden, for example), and that’s before considering the damage done to livelihoods, mental health and missed cancer screenings. But even if the mandates did help against COVID, there’s the problem of second-order effects. If we force people to lock down or vaccinate against their will, even if it worked to defeat the virus (again the evidence is far from clear) there would be an enormous transfer of power from the individual to the State.

Imagine one year later if there were a violent crime problem, and the State determined (quite reasonably) that the perpetrators were mostly men. Let’s further imagine the State showed lowering testosterone in men reduced their tendency toward violence (I don’t know if this is really true, but stick with me.) The State might make a law requiring all men to inject a medicine that reduced testosterone for the good of society. If you refused, people could say: “Are you really choosing “muh freedom” over ending domestic violence, murder and rape?” It would be the same principle and, having already conceded your rights, you would be powerless to resist. Laws protecting women’s reproductive rights would also be vulnerable under this standard — so long as those in power deemed something in the public interest, the individual would have no defense.

Q: Not really buying that slippery slope argument. We’ve had mandatory childhood vaccines for decades, and we hardly slipped into totalitarianism. Are you against childhood vaccines too? What about polio and smallpox? Are you hoping those come back?

A: You’re the one making an argument against child vaccines by using them as a justification for mandating any medical treatment decreed by whoever is in power. You are sliding us down the very slope which I warned was slippery! I doubt advocates for childhood vaccines as a condition of attending school, which have largely eradicated a wide swath of deadly diseases, would want that baggage.

That said, I think there’s a legitimate civil liberties conversation to be had with respect to all mandated medical treatments, even ones with strong track records. Debate should never be off limits. But the demonstrated success of childhood vaccination in ridding us of horrific diseases should not be unlimited license to mandate new treatments. I’ll leave it to others to draw the contrasts between childhood vaccines and those targeting endemic, airborne respiratory illnesses like COVID and the flu, but in my opinion it is a different debate.

Q: Do you think this new heel turn is good for your reputation? I mean you’re losing followers, and people are laughing at you!

A: I don’t know what other people think. I can imagine if I want, but I try not to think about it. I’m just compelled to speak out about this because the stakes are so high.

But yes, I am aware of the downside and honestly it would be easier to keep my head down and hope this blows over. I just don’t think it will on its own, which is why I’m speaking up — even if it has a cost. When you think of the costs others have paid for speaking their consciences, losing Twitter followers and getting some ridicule isn’t that bad.

Q: Thanks for speaking with us. I hope you come to your senses.